Tomorrow is a big day. It's one I wish would just skip a year now and then. Today has been 5 years since the last time I saw my dad alive. I should mark this day, but somehow, since I went to sleep that night and there had been no momentous change in my life, I don't see it as a day to remember.
5 years. In some ways it feels like a complete eternity, and in other ways I can't believe it's been that long. It feels like yesterday that we sat, and sat, and sat... 14 hours into a surgery that should have taken 5. Every so often, I try to imagine what it would be like to tell a family their loved one is gone, and I remember why I had no desire to ever become a doctor. (That, and a mortal fear of bodily fluids).
I'm ok. Somehow, I think I've always been ok. I miss my dad... and there have been many times in the last years that I have thought of him, and been sad that he couldn't be with us. I watch Girl and think of how much fun he would have had with her, how she would have made him laugh and amazed him, just like she does with us, and I feel sorry that she was kind of ripped off... but somehow, I get it.
I've never asked "why?", but instead have trained my mind on "now what?" I don't know if that's the healthiest, but it's been working so far. I'm not an island... but I am a rock.
Gutwrenching.
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