Realistically, they were doomed from the start.

I've always maintained the idea that if you can read, you can cook.  I may have to eat my words.  There should be a caveat attached to that one, reminding you that reading doesn't come into play ONLY while doing the cooking, but also, before you start.  Lately I have started far too many recipes, only to discover I don't have half the ingredients.  Today, I decided to make "Parker House Rolls" from a recipe book I took out of the library.  I've decided to let you in on my internal monologue as I baked the buns.

Parker House Rolls:

Step 1: in a small bowl, combine 2 tbsp sugar, 1/2 cup lukewarm water and 2-7g packets active dry yeast.  Stir until dissolved and let stand 10 minutes, until bubbly.

Hmm, I only have a giant bag of yeast, but I THINK the equivalent to one packet is 1 tablespoon. Let's go with that.

Step 2: In a small saucepan over high heat bring 1 cup water and 1 cup milk to a boil.  Pour the hot liquid into the mixer bowl.  Add 2 teaspoons salt and 3 tbsp melted butter.  Let cool 10 minutes.

Do I have butter?  No.  Margarine will be ok.  Do I have enough margarine?  No.  *Adds shortening*.  Darn, my yeast has already been sitting for the requisite 10 minutes and is ready to go.  If I put it into the bowl now without letting the milk and water cool, it'll kill the yeast.  Yeast must sit longer. 

**(I should also note that while typing this I realized I put in a completely incorrect amount of butter/margarine/shortening.  The recipe called for 1/2c plus 3 tablespoons, and apparently the half cup was to be used to grease the pans and brush over the buns before baking.  I put it all into the mixer)

Step 3:  Add 1 egg, lightly beaten, and one large potato, cooked and riced.  Mix together.

Hooray!  I can manage this one.

Step 4: Switch mixing paddle to dough hook, add 4 1/2 cups white flour.  Add additional flour 1/2 cup at a time until you get a soft manageable dough. 

Do I have white flour?  No. White bread flour is fine.  Do I have enough white bread flour?  No.  Throw in some whole wheat flour.  "GIRL!  Stop right there!  Don't you dare throw Cheerios into the running mixer!"

Step 5: butter a large bowl very well, make dough into a ball and put in buttered bowl, turning to coat outside of dough completely with butter.  Let rise 50 minutes

Ok, still out of butter.  Oil it is.

Step 6:  Do a whole bunch of really weird forming steps that I don't understand because apparently I have no idea what Parker House Rolls look like.

*Googles "Parker House Rolls" - Images*  Screw that.  *Makes normal looking buns*

Step 7:  Brush with melted butter, let rise on pans another 30 minutes.  Bake 30 minutes at 350º.

Hmmm.  no butter...  how about an egg wash?  And while I'm at it, let's throw some sesame seeds on top, because hey, I like sesame seeds.

 
In conclusion:  they look like buns I suppose.  But they sure aren't Parker House Rolls, and I've now become that person that every cook knows.  The one who asks for a recipe, butchers it badly and then calls to complain that theirs didn't turn out the way they were supposed to.  Unfortunately I don't have anyone to call.