You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you.

I had a terrible night.  Boy needed to be fed, Girl had an accident, and I can't let things go. 

I have trouble sleeping when I feel hurt.  I tend to lie awake, composing my feelings into well-worded responses that will likely never be used.  Really, I just need to figure out how to let it go. 

I read once that being angry with someone is kind of like drinking poison and waiting for them to die.  I'm not angry (anymore) but I think that feeling hurt is very much the same.  It makes no sense to lie awake at night feeling bad if it's not going to do anything but make you tired in the morning (let me tell you, I'm beat).

Unfortunately I've been dealing with this inside my head for too long.  I am way past the point where I should have just washed my hands and moved on. 

I'm not the kind of person who has a lot of friends...  and they have changed over many times, but the changes that are the toughest to deal with are the ones you have no control over.   For me, they have always coincided with major life changes (and not the bad ones).  I had a group of friends when I was single and dating Husband (Boyfriend at the time), and when we chose to get married, suddenly, we had no friends.  It happened to fast, I didn't really get it right away, but almost instantly, their lives carried on without us.  We stopped being invited out, and rarely saw each other again.   The same thing happened when Husband and I got pregnant.  (Perhaps this is why most of the people I consider my closest friends are also my family.  Their unwavering love and support through all my life changes is a blessing)

I can try to understand, and justify it to myself.  I can give myself (and you) all sorts of reasons that make sense logically.  People need to relate to each other...  maybe in order to have a friend, you both must be in the same stage of life. 

I'd have to do a lot of lying to myself to make me believe it though.

It might take slightly more work to relate and continue a relationship, and I thought that it was worth the extra effort, but unfortunately, it was one-sided.  That hurts.  It's tough when you realize that you value a person and a relationship more than someone else.  It feels like the time and effort and love you invested was worthless, or at least, not worth enough. 

I need to remind myself of those who love me no matter what shape I'm in, how many kids I have, or where I am in life.  They are there.  I need to be happy in the decisions I made, and not let them be clouded by hurt feelings.

I don't want my sunshine to have a shadow.  I need to let it go.