Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Diary of an Inventor, Part 11

It's been a while since I blogged about my invention, but that's mainly because I was just doing a whole lot of nothing.  My Patent Agent had been working tirelessly (I'm sure, based on how much I'm paying him) to complete my Provisional Patent Application, which he sent me a few weeks ago to review.  After my brain turned back from the gelatinous state it fell into while reading the 11 pages of Lawyer-Speak (12pt font single spaced), I made a few changes and sent it back. 

I think this is it...  this is the point where I can say "HEY WORLD!  This is my invention and you'd better like it 'cause mama wants an indoor pool!"

I'm still torn on what to do exactly.  My ideal situation is to sell the rights and license it to another more established company, so all I have to do is sit back and let the cheques roll in.  This requires making a nice fresh example (that doesn't have goldfish cracker crumbs on it), doing a photoshoot and making a website/brochure to promote it.  Then, the rest is up to the post office.

Husband, on the other hand (while he agrees with me) wants me to have the money-making backup plan of making them myself and selling them online.  Good idea, if I didn't have a one-year-old who likes to sit on my lap and "SEE" what I'm doing all the time!  Poor Girl doesn't nap for 5 hours like I want her to. 

Well...  I'm on the edge again.  I think that my next entry on this will be the grand unveiling, but we'll see how that goes.  I bet you are all on the edge of your seats!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I am not incapable.


I was eavesdropping some friends and family having a discussion on Facebook.  They were commenting on a picture of tortes, and talking about how they might as well enjoy them now because when the elder generation is dead and gone (or just too busy having fun to make us cake) we will no longer get any. 

I would like to debunk the myth that we are incapable of just making them ourselves.

The world we live in is so complicated that we have to learn to email before kindergarten and master an iPhone while riding our solar-powered unicycles to work. (oh wait, that is the future generation, after cars are outlawed, but before teleportation).  We can order our groceries online, and have it delivered with shoes, books, cars and the beer of the month, but yet we have this idea that we somehow can`t manage to mix a dozen ingredients in a bowl according to a recipe. 

For all of you who doubt me.  Think about what you do in a day.  You send WORDS through the PHONE LINES, MONEY through the AIR, and put pictures on an intangible virtual message board that can be viewed by the entire world (and all this can be achieved before you get out of bed.)  Once you're out of bed, you can drive a car, sing with the radio and drink coffee at the same time (while not using your phone of course...  right Oprah?).  You can do hours worth of paperwork in minutes because you don't have to use a pencil and paper to do it.  Your fingers know where to find letters seemingly randomly placed in a non-sensical order on a keyboard.  Shall I go on?

The elder generation must look at us and laugh...  wondering what the heck is wrong with us if we can't even layer cake with whipping cream. 

I think what is holding us back is not capability, but confidence (with a splash of laziness thrown in for good measure).  Torte making is by no means complicated...  time-consuming? yes, complicated? no.  We have just gotten so used to having what we want in the few seconds it takes for our browsers to open the right page that we've forgotten that sometimes, the good stuff takes time.  It's a lot easier to just accept the fact that we live in a world where fast equals good and just let things die away.   I guess someone will likely start a torte-making business and I can just order one online.

Or maybe I can spend an hour or two, get dirty and appreciate it just a little more.  While I'm at it...  I'll call some friends, and share it with them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

An Entertaining Thought

Entertaining.  It's entertaining isn't it?

I have to say, I love to entertain.  I know many who loathe it, but there is something about it that I thrive on.  I like to think I got this passion from my grandmother.  She was the queen of making too much food and making strangers feel like friends and friends feel like family.  While I strive to have that kind of hospitality in my home, my passion has risen to a whole new neurotic level.  While many struggle to have the ham AND the peas on the Easter table at the same time, I am wondering if I can make meringue bunnies and cream desserts inside real egg shells. 

My favourite thing is making miniature food, because what is better than mini hamburgers (made on homemade buns because storebought ones are too big) with a side of hickory stick "fries"?   


Nothing is safe from my shrink ray.  Bite-sized spinach dip? (done that, had to make the pumpernickel buns too),


Miniature cheesecakes and black forest cake? Mini reubens and grilled cheese sandwiches on homemade bread made in mini loaf pans?  Why not!



I was told after a recent baby shower that I should cater.  You know, it would be fun, but I'd have to charge an arm and a leg to make it worthwhile.  Mini hamburger buns don't just make themselves you know.

Entertaining does have its downside.  Once you set a precident, there is no going back, and I really don't think everyone recognizes the time, effort and cash that goes into it.  I don't need medals or anything, just take a minute when you're scarfing down the food and think: "hey, I'm loved." 

'Cause really...  I wouldn't do it otherwise.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Life... and the end of it.

It won't be long now.

All the signs are there, reminding me on a daily basis that we are on borrowed time. 

There is only so much life-support I am willing to provide.  I have said my goodbyes, and made my peace.

Pretty soon, I fear, I will be living in an appliance graveyard. 

I knew it was happening....  my Christmas turkey was done half an hour before it was due.  My milk isn't very cold, but my crisper drawer items are freezing.  The fridge is making a weird noise, and my oven is squarely to blame for the ruined Betty Crocker mix brownie.   I still have a burnt chocolate taste in my mouth.

This is where good appliances come to die.  All at once.

To be fair, they aren't good appliances, well, I'm sure they were in the 80's.  They came with the house, and we figured we'd replace them when they died, ideally one at a time. 

Husband says we have a brand new oven in the garage, which I guess technically is true.  A brand new, still in it's shipping crate oven from the 1950's.  While cool, I waffle with the idea of using it.  I don't want anything that will make cooking a turkey dinner more difficult.  Not to mention it would require some funky kitchen renovation (which, while happening, will DEFINITELY make it harder to cook). 

We'll see what happens.  For now I'll get myself an oven thermometer and hope that it keeps even heat despite it being the wrong one. 

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Points of Contention

I LOVE customer loyalty programs.  I've been sucked in and there is no way out.  I enjoy working the system to get as many points as possible (while still only buying things I'll use), and spend as little as possible.  As a result, over the last year and a half, I have accumulated enough points to get over $500 in free groceries.

The problem is redeeming them.

Firstly, I have a bit of an obsession.  My coupon-savvy SIL put it best when she said "It's a competition between ME and the STORE".  It's true, I want to get as much out of them as humanly possible.  Because of this, in order for me to want to redeem points, I need to see the best deal.  Anything that is cheap, and gets me more points in return while being something that I can easily stock up on, is fair game. 

Unfortunately Husband doesn't see it this way.  He thinks that I should use all the points, get my free groceries and call it done, saving us the money now.  His argument is that inflation makes the points worth less the longer you keep them.  I guess that's true, but my plan isn't to save them until I die...  Just until the next unbeatable deal. Is it time to check the fliers for next week yet?

Secondly...  the store is making it difficult on me.  In order to pacify Husband, I decided to spend some of my points on regular groceries while waiting for a good deal.  Easier said than done.  The computer systems weren't letting me redeem so I called the customer help line to find out that somehow Husband had been made the "primary cardholder", and therefore the only person allowed to redeem points.  Since he was at work, I dug through the junk drawer for his extra key-tag-card, and headed off to the store, only to find out that HIS card was still listed as "inactive"...  apparently we had never fully activated his card and he could only collect, not redeem.  Now, if anyone else sees the idiocy in having the sole redeemer be a person who can't redeem points, please raise your hand.

I will redeem my points...  someday.  Until then, I'll relish the continually growing balance on my card.  Hello my babies...  it's not quite time to toss you from the nest.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Cold Turkey.

I weaned Girl recently.  I use the term "I" very loosely, since while she was being weaned I was somewhere in between calling out for death to come take me quickly and coughing up a lung.  So, the secret to weaning is:

1.  Get Pneumonia
2.  Give baby to someone else.

You see...  apparently not being on contraceptives = trying to have a baby = not breastfeeding 

Hooray for ER doctors and taking a full history.  I told him I wasn't on the pill, because we weren't preventing getting pregnant, so he assumed that I wasn't breastfeeding, and gave me IV antibiotics that are not safe for breastfeeding.  He told me now was a good time to wean anyway.  Oddly, he didn't know how old Girl was.

For entertainment, I'll quote him directly.

"uuuuuh, yeah, you can't breastfeed on these antibiotics.  I assumed that because you weren't on contraceptives that you were trying to have a baby, and if you're trying to have a baby, you shouldn't really be breastfeeding.  Well, now is a good time to wean"

Brilliant.

It was a rough few days (or so I was told) and Girl seems to have some separation anxiety problems now, mainly from my few "past bedtime" stints in the ER.  Apparently it got to the point where she brought Oma's shoes to her and walked to the front door.  Poor kiddo.  She's a trooper though, by the time I was well enough to make it to the couch, she was pretty much good to go, and luckily the combination of not eating, cold medication and antibiotics seemed to save me from any discomfort related to the whole process. 

Now, the only question is, how do I get myself some pneumonia next time around?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Happily Ever After

I`m starting to get to the point that I`ve been married long enough that I feel comfortable giving relationship advice.  I`m still a good long ways away from giving people parenting advice (save for on my blog where I can be as self-serving and cocky as I like).  I`ve been married for almost 9 years now, which is pretty long given the statistics.  We're well past the 2 years where you "aren't as physically attracted to your partner" and far enough past the "7 year itch" that I can safely say it's not going to happen. 

I would like to start by saying that the oldest, and most-spoken marital advice ever given is wrong.  At least for us. 

Husband and I were married by a pastor who didn't seem to want us to get married, so let's just say that the premarital counselling sessions were an exercise in patience and self-control.  He didn't really have any good excuse, so maybe he was just testing us by fire.  Sure, let's go with that.  He seemed pretty disappointed when Husband and I weren't really swayed by his incessant "trick questions".  We had in fact, already talked about money, sex, children, families, etc etc etc.   One of the things we were told, both in premarital sessions and by every "adult" around was "NEVER GO TO SLEEP ANGRY".

Now, I agree with this idea in concept, but in action, it just doesn't work for us.  Having grown up in a family where we hashed stuff out until everyone was bleary-eyed and groggy enough to agree to anything,  I thought, "yup, that's how it's gonna be!"...  and then I got married. 

Let me explain.  Husband and I don't seriously argue often.  Yes, we have disagreements, but the actual "knock-down-drag-out-fight-dirty" kind of arguments are quite rare, and every single one of them happen at one of 2 times:   Before dinner...  and before bed. 

Sometimes I'm convinced that Husband must be hypoglycemic or something (and it almost hurts to admit that his mom was right when she told me to give him chocolate milk when he's upset).   I've come to the realization that if we're getting to the point where we're picking fights, we either need to eat, or sleep.  No amount of "hashing it out" will help us until we are fed and rested. 

This is especially true of the arguments that aren't really about anything, or directed at anyone, rather just an outlet for leftover frustration.  Sometimes, you just need to go to bed and everything will be a bit sunnier and easier to take in the light of day. 

This is hard for me, because I like to hash it out, and you know, if EVERYONE says you shouldn't go to bed angry, then who am I to say differently?  (I really like to go along with the crowd)  but maybe, just maybe, some of those people are wrong.   Just like the people who wear g-strings to the beach.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

12 Minutes to a Newer, Better Me!

I've had pneumonia for the last few weeks, so I've been catching up on my daytime television.  This week, I learned all about the Denise Austin Daily Dozen.  It's a diet plan where you exercise for 12 minutes a day, eat sensibly and lose 12 pounds in 2 weeks.  

Sounds great, I'd love to lose 12 pounds in 2 weeks.  Sounds great until I remember that I already exercise 30-60 minutes a day, 5 days a week and eat sensibly.  How sedentary do you have to be to be able to lose 12 pounds in 2 weeks by exercising a grand total of 84 minutes a week?   While I don't envy the obese, it  nevertheless makes me cringe when I hear stories about how "I stopped drinking pop and lost 57 pounds"  or "I started walking the 2 flights of stairs at work and lost 25 pounds".  It almost doesn't seem fair.  I don't drink much pop, I usually take the stairs, I'm fairly active and don't eat a lot of crap, yet somehow there is still 20 pounds that just won't go away.

Like I said, I had pneumonia.  I barely ate for a week and MAYBE lost 5 pounds.  (ok, before you get all weird, I'm well aware that this is not a diet and I'm not in any way expecting the 5 pounds to STAY gone now that nutrients have started entering my body again, so just calm down).   Oh well, soon enough my lungs will start working properly and I can get on the treadmill again.  Likely for a lot more than 12 minutes a day.